Wednesday, 21 March 2012

8. The mother of all rants

Before I actually get to the main point of this post, I would like to apologise for not posting in yonks! I've been busy with revision and exams during the previous months. I should be revising now too but feel as though I have a lot to get off my chest which is holding me back. Despite saying that this blog will have a purpose in previous posts, I haven't stuck to it so I'm not making any more promises. I'm sorry this post will be rather negative but I don't think I've felt this low for a long time. I don't really deserve any sympathy because I know there are people in this world who would give anything to have what I do, people who don't even have access to clean water. However, I would also appreciate if you didn't post any horrid comments either.
Basically, I'm in my 2nd year of A-levels as regular readers will already know and I did fairly well in my January exams so don't get me wrong but this won't be about exam stress. But what I have established is that I am lonely. As an only child, I have always spent a lot of time on my own and when my parents split up a few years ago, I have spent even more time alone. Recently though, I feel as though I have no-one to talk to about my problems. My Mother suffers from Parkinsons disease (a neurological disorder) so I can't really burden her with all my crap and sometimes, she contributes to the problem. She doesn't mean to but it is her illness rather than her. The past 2 years of my life have been the worst (sorry if this post doesn't flow, I just want to get it all out). I mean from going from one of the brightest in my year to an average student hit me quite hard. Also, I feel as though my friends at college tell me all their problems but I cannot share mine with them. If I'm quiet they ask me what's wrong but to be frank there's nothing they can do. Their advice is quite simply useless. I miss many of my teachers from secondary school, particularly my head of year who was like a second mother to me. Recently 2 of our good neighbours moved. This has left me feeling even more isolated. One of the families that have moved were like grandparents to me and the others were amazing too. My Mum spent a year in hospital a couple of years ago so we have lost contact with many of our family friends and it seems too late and weird to get back in contact with them now. I have applied to university and have decided to stay in Manchester. I replied to my offers last week but after feeling this low, I am left wondering, what have I got left to stay here for? 2 of my best friends who I can actually confide attend other colleges so I don't want to bother them as they too are busy with exams. As well as feeling pretty dreadful on the inside, since starting college in September 2010, I have put on over  a stone. I weigh 9.5 stones, recently I lost half a stone due to results day stress but during Year 11, I weighed 8.5 stones. I just really wish that there was someone there for me. Whether it was a friend, relative or partner. I am praying that university is much better than this. I hope I make some better friends who are more confident and less wrapped up in their own lives. Don't get me wrong, I do have a good laugh with them at college but sometimes when you're having a shit day, they don't help matters. They're indecisive and sometimes I feel like I'm a young carer at college as well as home. I can't even go on holiday for a break because who exactly am I supposed to go with? My Mother would need to be granted medical permission to travel as she is on medication to travel abroad. I keep telling myself that college will be over in 3 months and hopefully I will leave with the grades I need to move onto university to bigger and better things.

Thanks for putting up with me, feel free to comment.

Take care (hopefully you're not feeling as lonely as I am)

Mancunian Sheep